Ranting about Guilt and the 21st century woman

For my younger readers:

I’m writing about women tonight – and I suspect if any younger people are reading this blog, then they’ll be girls – so you may like to read the section for older people to see what it’s like to be a 21st century woman and make your plans to avoid falling into the same habits and traps!

I hope that my character, Kate, who is very thoughtful and questioning, manages to wend her way through life without feeling burdened by the feelings I’m about to write about! But right now she’s just a teenager and her journal goes on at http://katelofthouse.blogspot.com/ Please visit and comment or vote on what should happen to her next – and then I can write the next instalment!

For my more wrinkly readers:

One of my friends has sent me a couple of very thoughtful and challenging e-mails as a result of reading my blog – one I’ve posted. This is an extract from the second:

‘Why is one compelled to do all this campaigning etc; what is your own need in it – is it truly altruistic or to fulfil a sense of inadequacy or guilt?’

Well, I don’t actually believe in altruism in the very strict sense. I don’t think anyone does anything out of a clear and unclouded motivation to care for others. Something in what we do is satisfying something in ourselves. I’ve been accused of cynicism for that view in the past – but I don’t feel like a cynical person. I feel optimistic and trusting. I suppose when I’m ranting about Christians taking more action, what I’m hoping is that they will have a desire to do so – and that will drive them on. Everyone will be happier as a result – the people they’ve helped and they themselves for their desire to act or to campaign will have been fulfilled. And I see nothing wrong in that. It’s not that I’m arguing that it is good for the soul to suffer! I want people to be happy in their ‘good works’.

But guilt. Now there’s a thing. And it seems to be very much a women’s thing. I’ve had several friends talk to me about their feelings of guilt since I posted the ‘social action’ blog. One said she felt guilty all the time about everything – and it seems to me, on a bad day, that that is exactly what it can be like. On bad days, I feel inadequate and guilty because I’m not holding down a ‘proper’ job. I don’t hit the workplace at 9am and return at 5.30, five days a week. The fact that I start ‘work’ of some sort from the moment I’m up and only stop for short breaks until late in the evening, that I teach on Thursday and Friday nights, Saturday mornings and some Saturday afternoons and that others are used up by author events, cuts no mustard. On a bad day, I feel guilty for ‘swanning around’, combining writing, teaching youth theatre, training to be a counsellor and being a mother. It’s not good enough. I’m not earning the sort of salary that an Oxford graduate ‘ought’ to be earning! And I’m certainly not doing enough campaigning, voluntary work, enough for my church or my children or – God help him – my husband! On a bad day, the support I give to my friends is too self-indulgent – friendship is a luxury and I can’t enjoy in it too much. And writing a blog – dear heaven! What’s that about? Just vainglory and narcissism! Even on a good day, I can’t watch a DVD (I don’t currently watch any TV – anyone want to recommend anything?) without a pile of ironing to do. That’s not just about the guilt of unproductive leisure time though – it’s about the fact that I don’t feel fully engaged by ‘just’ watching.

It seems to me that I’m not alone in this sort of negative thinking. Mothers who go back to work when their babies are little feel guilty for leaving them. No amount of ‘quality time’ quite makes them feel OK about it. Mothers who stay at home full-time (an increasingly rare breed, frequently for financial reasons) feel guilty for squandering their education or not contributing financially or just not quite playing the 21st century woman game.

A friend recently told me how very taken for granted she felt. Someone else talked of how she recalled her mother standing in the kitchen and weeping because ‘they treat this house like a hotel’. It’s bizarre. Modern women, it seems to me, run themselves ragged wearing endless different hats – workplace woman, mother, lover, chauffeur, nurse, gardener, cleaner, cook, laundry maid, mechanic, secretary – the list is endless. But instead of feeling fulfilled, empowered and celebrated (which they should – just look at that list – what are they not doing?), they feel guilty and taken for granted.

I’m lucky that I don’t feel taken for granted by my husband and children. Reason? Well, on the quiet, I feel I do a pretty minimal job as a mother and wife. Frankly, I’m a bit of a slob. Secretly, (until now!) I see a shiny house as self-indulgent. It doesn’t need to be ultra clean and it certainly doesn’t need too much money spent on it. Adequately furnished and reasonably hygienic is enough. And I have always made my children help with chores every day – from the moment they could drop their toys in a toybox. They don’t always do them and it still doesn’t come easy but I think I have made my point over the years, even though the chores have been tied in with rewards and pocket money. I don’t think they’re grateful for all that I do for them – but I don’t feel taken for granted. Maybe the fact that I have made it very clear for a long time that my work is also a priority for me has helped. Who knows? My children don’t seem to assume that I’ll be able to give them a lift at the drop of a hat or get the right shirt washed for the right day! My husband, poor man, assumes nothing – though he does prefer it when I cook in the evening! And – hallelujah – I don’t feel guilty about that, even on a bad day.

And not feeling guilty is so very liberating. On a good day, the rest of the guilt doesn’t kick in either – I’m living a flexible lifestyle which suits my needs, those of my family and those members of the community that need my support. My charitable giving is well-organised and I do as much campaigning and voluntary work as I can. My leisure time is reasonable and spent in a worthwhile way! In fact, I deserve a halo. Oops – no – that’s pride and we don’t want to go down that guilty spiral….

But guilt and feeling taken for granted – they’re both live issues for so many of us. And someone correct me if I’m wrong but they don’t seem so big for men. All down to hormones and fluctuations in our perception of reality? Or is the 21st Century woman really getting a bum deal?